Awaiting Tomorrow

So very fearful.

So very teary.

So ready to go.

So scared of everything else.

He calls me.

I answer.

He tells me to trust.

I fight.

I ultimately follow.

I’m not alone.

But I still feel overwhelmed.

He calms me down.

I pray. 

Sharing today’s great gift

Oh my goodness, yes! God is so good! He knows the way into my heart! Tonight I had a lovely night spent with the amazing presence of beautiful friends that He’s so graciously blessed me with. I couldn’t of asked for better friends than the one’s that I currently have now. I’m sad to go, but I’m excited to come back and have so many people to come back to! I walked away feeling calm and super stoked about Spain. I feel better knowing that I have this great support from such lovely ladies that truly care about me and our friendship. I know I probably sound like such a little girl, but ever since I moved to Texas, I’ve yearned for a tight knit group of friends just like how I had in Florida. I am just so thankful to finally have that! I am so thankful to finally be able to connect with people outside of church, or school, or work. God has just continued to show more and more color in my life and I feel so undeserving. I am so incredibly blessed to know the people that I know. Mother’s Day might have been for mothers, and even though I totally miss mine, I feel like God still gave me a pretty great present! I am so incredibly thankful for all the love that now surrounds my life on the daily.  

Ramble Gamble

Wow… I really need to stop reading into things. Life is not as simple as I wish it was. I assume too much. I think too much. What ever happens, happens. I put too much pressure on things that don’t mean anything. It’s all so innocent and I pretend like it’s more. I just have to learn to be content with nothing and enjoy the few “somethings” that I do have. Life’s all about making choices. I need to choose myself on this one. I can’t keep pretending like I know everything or like “things” are happening. Nothing like what I want to happen is happening right now. As much as I want to believe that it is, it isn’t. Oh well, right? My brain just keeps going in circles. All of these things mean nothing and of course, yet again, I’m left disappointed at something or someone that didn’t partake (really) in the disappointing. It’s not fair to them and it’s not fair to me. What ever… I’m crazy. 

Holy crap!

I’m leaving in two weeks! When did this happen? I’m so nervous! There’s so many things to buy and so many people to see before I go! I always do this! I wait until the last minute to do things and then I get stressed out and I panic! So lately I’ve been having terrible allergies! The other day I got bit by mosquitos and the reaction quickly spread all over my body. Yesterday I had a hive eruption all over my back and today I can barely breathe through my nose! I don’t know if it’s Texas, or stress, or what, but all this is happening all at once. Then sometimes I’ll get minor panic attacks that feel as though I’ve run a mile and I’m trying to catch my breath. Either way, I know that God has it all under control and that He’s the one at work and not me. He keeps teaching me and showing me things that I tend to overlook. He knows what’s best and I just have to learn to listen. I’m excited to go and serve and learn from God. But will I be what they need? What if my insecurities take over? So many things. I just have to learn to let go and give my worries to God because only He can take charge of the things I really can’t. 

No introduction necessary

Too much time is going into useless possibilities. I keep going on in circles pretending like nothing is wrong. But there is. There is something totally wrong with the picture I’ve painted. I can’t keep pretending that I don’t see more than what I should in minor instances. I keep obsessing over things that only occur in my head. No one else sees them, only me. Maybe I’m literally going crazy and that is what is really happening here. I don’t get it. But for the most part I do. Sometimes I can’t even look in the mirror without feeling grossed out by the other side. But that’s not transmitting love. I’m not transmitting the love that I know I feel for others. So I have to work on it. I have to change my vision to see something different. I have to try to focus all this energy into something that will bring forth positive energy. I guess high school science classes are really paying off! Anyway! Today has been a real eye-opener! I can’t keep going on doing the same things anymore. It’s not cute anymore. It’s not fun! I need to be happy, and cheery, with the occasional sad moments. But this sadness should be from something less deep than what’s been going on. I’m not perfect, and I can’t be anybody’s perfect anything. If anything, I’m the opposite of what I “could” be. I’m just me, I have to love that. I have to know it, believe it, and totally cherish it. That is all.  

Another day…

I don’t get it! I don’t see it! Your life is a joke! You do nothing all day. You clean… You’re boring! Your treasures are your life. You live for them. You want them more than anything else. Instead of enjoying time and enjoying people, you enjoy things. You hope and you pray for a change. You pray for a dream job to supply you with more “things.” Why? All you’ve taught us is the great importance of money. That is the god that you serve. You don’t understand, you disagree. You judge and choose to side with your own measures. I can’t stand it anymore. I can’t stand you. You hurt me, but no, I’m the one that is always wrong. You’re an ass hole. But I’m the inconsiderate jerk who doesn’t respect you. Great…

What is going on?

Nobody likes a whiner right? Well here I go again! My life is a constant disappointment. Blah blah blah! It’s really not, I just make it out to be that way. I complain too much! My latest rant has been about my grandmother invading my space. She takes over everything and she’s appreciative of nothing. She trots around in her matching tops and bottoms smiling about. She is constantly sizing up her food with everyone else’s. This visit, she didn’t make a negative comment about my weight but I can’t help but suspect that she might have with my dad already. Either way! I can’t stand her being around. I try to be nice but sometimes I like getting home to an empty house. Lately I’ve yearned for that, but she’s always around. What ever, I guess. Her food is always good though. I’ve been letting myself get stressed about almost everything. It’s kind of stupid. I also have a million and one things to do before I leave for Spain. I’m tired all the time and sleeping on the couch is not helping my sleepy eyes, or my back for that matter. I’m tired of it all right now. What a complainer! What an unappreciative little brat I am. How dare I be so conceded! But here I sit, wishing and dreaming of my room, and my candles, and packing, and sleeping, and forgetting about everyone and all the things that I still haven’t done. I leave in 18 days! Holy crap! This is crazy! 3 months is a long time to be away from home and all that’s familiar! When did my life decide to change this drastically? What?

Let me just say…

I want it! I want it all! I want all the cheesiness and all the public displays of affection. I want the quiet stares and the loud talks over the phone. I want to have someone to hold my hand and pick me up and take me home. I want someone to have picnics with and share my special place with. I want to be able to have spontaneous dance parties and forget that we’re not alone. I want to be more than just friends but at the end of he day know that we started there first. I want to hold his arms really tight as we walk down the street. I want to make sure he knows everyday that I really like him, not just love. I want to be in love. I want everything that comes with it. I want the aches and the pains. I want the hand holding and the hair twisting. I want the sweet moments and the intertwining of hands. I want that! I want that! I want to know that someone out there will like me even when I haven’t washed my face. I don’t know anything about it. All I know are the things I’ve learned from others and the love you yearn for while watching a rom-com. I don’t care! I want the imperfections! In fact! I welcome them!! No one is perfect and I don’t expect perfection. I just want to have that. I want it for myself. I want to share it. 

We’re one but we’re not the same

One parent feels too much. One parent feels too little. I feel it all. She’s dry and hasty. She never misses a beat. He’s cold and mean. He doesn’t know how to treat. Me with the sorrowful brow and the upset stomach. She is turned off by our lack of communication. He is turned off by my constant retaliation. She ignores my positive outlook. He brings up all the things still to do. She doesn’t seem to care much about it. He feels the need to control every aspect. She smiles but doesn’t really mean it. He smiles and I want to ignore it. She is far. He is near. I feel distant from them both. One feels too much. One feels too little. But here I sit feeling it all. 

I don’t know why I re-did my make-up

God wants me to trust Him! That is so very evident in His responses to my prayers! He has continued to provide and I can’t help but finally sob at His great glory! He’s brought me to Austin, TX, which we all know is super awesome and cool and amazing! He introduced me to great friends! They are all wonderful! He’s provided me with job after job and now… Now He’s taking me to Spain! Fellow bloggers! I am in shock right now! I think I might explode into tears! God is letting me go on my first mission trip to Spain for three months! He’s doing it all for me and I am simply dumbfounded! I can barely breathe! This is a miracle and He’s making a BIG BIG BIG BIG BIG BIG believer out of me! Ah! Me voy!