No one can make you feel anything you haven’t already chosen to feel. No one can make you want things more than what you’ve already decided to want. I can’t seem to stop wanting the things that aren’t coming easy. I can’t help but feel the distress in the void that can’t be filled. I can’t help but have mixed feelings over the things that once brought me everlasting joy. But here it is. No one can make me do anything I don’t want to do. No one can make me want the things that I want. But the fact that there isn’t someone in my life willing to try to reach me, is making it harder to believe that anyone ever will. Beauty is escaping with each coming day and I can’t help but feel the absence of my greatest desire. So here I sit, humble in the presence of lacking, waiting. I can’t convince anyone to feel something for me nor can they convince me to feel something for them, but I can’t help but feel like this “thing” that people call love is skipping me in its steps. I can feel the quiet as it lingers through the thoughts and memories I wish I was sharing with someone else. But the loneliness is unwinding and all I can do is converse with it. There is no one to intertwine fingers or to sing a song of closeness or warmth. All I see is what isn’t. Even though no one can force me into thinking or into feeling, somehow I can’t help but wonder if someone already has.
I want to leave. I want to get up and go. I want to start over. I want to be new. I want to see things differently. I want to be unaware of the world around me. I want to go. I want to go with the flow. I want to forget my past. I want to forget yesterday. I want to take all my things. I want to drive away. I want to be alone. I want to be far, far away. I want to sleep it off. I want to be without.
I like to think that you liked me for me. I like to think that the words shared weren’t just a waste of time. But for the most part, they were just words…
I’ve been thinking a lot about you lately. I don’t exactly know why, I just know that I wish I would have known you for a longer period of time. I wish I would have taken advantage of those ridiculous moments we could have had. I have to tell myself time and time again that, that wasn’t love. It wasn’t. No matter how hard I try to fool myself, I have to remind myself that what happened between us was closer to nothing than it was to something. You’ve haunted every thought or feeling I’ve had for someone else. It over powers my judgement and it just isn’t fair. It isn’t fair that you live your life all fine and dandy so able to move on, as if it meant nothing and I’m still here with nothing but the memory of what could have been. So I think it’s time I let you go. I think I’m finally ready to appreciate the life I once had before you, and now, after you. I’m ready to truly smell the roses; to taste the food and to sing the songs that reminded me of you. It doesn’t matter anymore because you are you and I won’t be seeing you anymore. I can now admit myself to the freedom to love who ever I want. I can feel the freedom to be amongst others who love. I refuse to be a puppet caught under your spell anymore. You don’t even know of the hold you’ve had on me and I am so ready to let you go. It will be easy, but more so now that I’m accepting the life I live now. This is it. I’m letting you go. Forever and for always.
Open up. You are yourself.
I breathe it all in. See me? I see you. I intake each puff you let out. I believe in each vowel that persists from your mouth. Lips moving. Lips vibrating. Quiver in your speech. Stare at me. Stare. I cower as you continue to embrace my ever shy approach to life. You see what I won’t. You understand what I don’t. But I am this nothing that you believe in so clearly. How sweet your hands meet mine. How sweet, your smile. You are precious. Your wrinkles often make an appearance as you smile awkwardly between the silence. But you like me. You like the way I look away when I feel uncomfortable. You can’t look away. I’m the painting you’ve yet to describe. Yet to interpret. But you’re the reason I am here. You’re the one whose held me captive with a single gaze. I am nothing if not breathless.
I can recall the memory of this all too clearly. You pity me so you tolerate me. But when it comes to friendship, if I was dying I can imagine you leaving me in the middle of nowhere to rot. But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m reading you wrong. But for the most part, I feel the loneliness amongst you. I feel the difference between us. Maybe you say things behind my back. I can’t help but believe that to be true. I’m not the same person, I’m not running scared. I can’t let this defeat me. I can’t let you or anyone get in the way of what I really want. But I know you. I’ve known you all my life. You’re the ones that plan it out. The ones that make rude gestures when I’m not looking. The ones that pretend like I’m something when I could mean less to nothing to them. You try to bring me down, but I wont let you. I can’t. I can recall this memory that has marked me for years. Unable to escape the haunting of what felt inescapable, I keep moving forward. You are not who you say you are and I wont let this tare me down to bits. I am more. I am worth more. I can do more.
You like the idea of getting lost. The idea of being wasted. Out of your mind. You like pretending like you forgot. You like breathing heavily and stumbling around. Like you’re blind. You like laughing. You like being loud. You like making mistakes. Being proud. Everything is about the chase. One more and you’ll feel better. One more and you can forget. But you wake up the next morning simply wishing you could do it all over again. You like the lightheadedness of it all. You can dance. You are free. You can say what you want. You can “be” without trying too hard. You like the idea of not caring. The idea of believing that you are infinite. But when you don’t feel it, you lie there hoping for better days until your next sip. So what now? What’s next? Will you get lost again?
This is how I see it. Right now:
How could anyone love me? How could any friend remain? Isn’t it obvious that no one wants to stay close to me? How could I enjoy anything from now when it’s all probably going to change within a year. Nothing is real. Nothing is clear. I feel very alone sometimes. I get very angry. No one can ever see past the shell. I am just now, I am just this. I haven’t changed! Nothing is going to change. I’m tired! I have the dark circles to prove it. Everything is going to crap and all I really want to do is run away. I want to run away from this life. I don’t find comfort in the lack of certainty in direction. I feel very uninspired and bored. Everything is mediocre and somehow I’m somewhere in the middle. I can’t pretend. I can’t hide. I think everyone can see that. I think everyone can see that I’m swiftly turning into the same person I was. The only difference is that I’m much more tired and over emotional than I use to be. Is anyone holding me up? I’m about ready to give up. To quit. To forget about it all. The whisper dances through one ear and on to the other. I try really hard to pretend like it doesn’t bother me. Like the person I’ve turned into doesn’t disappoint me. But I feel stressed. Today I feel like sleeping all day. But no. Everything is happening all at the same time and I wish it would just stop! I need a break! Someone to cut me some slack! But no! This is what is happening now.